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Dad Jokes

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DAD’S FAVORITE SYLLABLES
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Three, with Vietnamese noodles.
How many astronauts does it take to change a light bulb? Three, excuse “my” French.
How many ballerinas does it take to change a light bulb? Four, literally just four.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? Four, for years in office.
How many cannibals does it take to change a light bulb? Three, ew!
How many cows does it take to change a light bulb? Four, on a French day.
How many detectives does it take to change a light bulb? Four, in a straight path.
How many ducks does it take to change a light bulb? Four, in a dry place.
How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Four, with a horse.
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? Three, convened.
How many giraffes does it take to change a light bulb? Three, with a donkey.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? Four, not less.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two, or zero.
How many monsters does it take to change a light bulb? Four, in a train station.
How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb? Two, it may start an email.
How many ninjas does it take to change a light bulb? One, just one.
How many nuns does it take to change a light bulb? Four, with multiple sharp objects.
How many octopuses does it take to change a light bulb? Three, with a bursting sound.
How many parrots does it take to change a light bulb? Six, with a rock star.
How many penguins does it take to change a light bulb? Three, with a small vegetable.
How many pirates does it take to change a light bulb? Four, where discount clothing is sold.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? Four, ripped.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Four, owed money.
How many priests does it take to change a light bulb? Three, with a sibling.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Three, in a hotel.
How many spies does it take to change a light bulb? One, a Roman number.
How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb? One, a kind of curve.
How many turkeys does it take to change a light bulb? Three, to pull.
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? Four, to sell.
How many zebras does it take to change a light bulb? Three, where zebras may live.

DAD’S FAVORITE MOVIES
A baby, a ninja, and a detective walk into an eleven-year-old girl’s stop-motion world.
A chicken, a monster, a mother-in-law, another chicken, and a pirate walk into a real-estate drama.
A cow, a giraffe, a cannibal, and a clown walk into a dinosaur world.
Two doctors and a duck walk into a Golden-Globe-winning musical.
An engineer, a mother-in-law, an octopus, and a nun walk into a nanny.
A Frenchman, a Russian, an Irishman, an American, and a priest walk into a transformation.
A parrot, a teacher, an astronaut, two magicians, and a witch walk into a supernatural anime.
A blonde, a psychiatrist, a lawyer, and a police officer walk into Arnold.
A spy, a ballerina, a waiter, a politician, and a Russian walk into intrigue on an English holiday.
A zebra, a turkey, a penguin, and an elephant walk into an anthropomorphic animal allegory.

DAD’S FAVORITE SAN FRANCISCO LOCATION
What do you get when you cross a doctor, a baby, a lawyer, two Russians, a witch, a mother-in-law, and an elephant?

 

Answer and recap [SPOILER]

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Green Thumb

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  • My friend Flora and I share a 5×5 plot of land where we grow a variety of plants. Each of the 25 subplots contains exactly one type of plant.

 

 

  • The top row, full of trees, is as fun as the texture of bubblegum.
  • The middle row, blossoming with flowers, is as beautiful as a French sculptor.
  • The last row, abundant with fruit, is as healthy as a California egg ranch.

 

Morning Afternoon
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday

 

  • I water each of my nine plants at least once a week and at most three times a week. I water exactly one plant each morning and exactly one plant each afternoon.
  • Flora’s sixteen plants, which I don’t water, include the fir, zinnia, poppies, and kale.
  • On Sundays, I water two plants in the leftmost column.
  • On Mondays, I water two plants in the middle column.
  • On Tuesdays, the name of the plant I water in the morning comes alphabetically later than the one I water in the afternoon. This is the only day of the week for which this is true.
  • On Wednesdays, I water two plants that are neither in the same row nor column. Each of these plants is watered only on Wednesday.
  • On Thursdays, I water the eucalyptus twice, in the morning and in the afternoon. This is the only day of the week on which I water the same plant twice.
  • On Fridays, I water two plants in the middle row, but none in the middle column. There exists at least one plant that is only watered on Friday.
  • On Saturdays, I water two plants in the top row. Each of these plants is watered only on Saturday.
  • Plants in corner spots are never watered more than once a week.

 

  • None of my nine plants are next to each other (that is, none of them are directly adjacent or kitty-corner to each other).
  • The narcissuses and junipers are not in the same row.
  • The eucalyptus is next to exactly five plants, exactly two of which are flowers.
  • Flora is sad that her willow tree doesn’t grow flowers.
  • The sycamore grows in the fourth column, two squares above the kale.
  • The iris and cedar are not in the same row.
  • My mangoes grow somewhere to the right of the sycamore tree, not necessarily in the same row.
  • Bananas, grapes, Queen Anne’s Lace, roses and cedar trees all grow in the same column.
  • Violets, bananas, and zinnias grow in the same row.
  • The yew tree grows to the right of the fir and willow, not necessarily in the same row.
  • The ugli fruit grows next to at least one other fruit.
  • The apples grow next to the fir trees.
  • Daisies are diagonally touching the tangerines.
  • The hazelnut tree, poppies, orchids, tangerines, and lychees, none of which belong to me, all grow in the same column, in that order.
  • The zinnias are next to at most five other plants.

 

Note: This puzzle was updated on Apr. 5th with an additional clue.

 

Answer and recap [SPOILER]